Nothing Matters - Epilogue

I have to admit something to you. 

I have been dishonest. 

I was so wrapped up in my conciet, it rendered me unable to give the darkness it’s due. 

I forgot to humble myself. 

I lost track of what it was all for. 

There was a little boy in 2021 who wrote a video essay about breaking up with his boyfriend.

A little boy who then proceeded to live 4 more years with said boyfriend. 

That little boy grew up to become a man obsessed with proving to his neglecters and abusers that there was a world outside of these fantastical delusions. 

But let’s be honest here.  

I wanted to prove to myself that something mattered. That there is a world outside. 

And there is. I did find it. 

This isn’t just a video essay. 

This is a documentation of the past five years of my life and the works that moved me to come to my central thesis.  

In Part One, I dealt with that first seed of realizing something is wrong, but I was unmedicated and haunted by the implications of the realisation that 

Nothing mattered in MY life. 

Part two sprouted through the winding paths of intellectualization, as I got on ADHD meds and all of a sudden, I felt I could do EVERYTHING. 

Like Evelyn, I could escape into universes of possibilities to run from the nihilism in my home and in my heart.

But as Maurice pulls the trigger, as Pierre faces the Pile of Meaning, and as Evelyn gets too lost in too many universes, my feet grew tired of the running, aching for me to stop. 

In the middle of writing Part Three, I was so used to running for my life, for most my of life, that I forgot anything else than running was possible. 

I was lucky to halt my running right before this Epilogue were to become an Epitaph.

I looked around and realized – I need not run AWAY anymore – as I had run INTO a new world, catching me as I collapsed from 26 years of running.  

I wanted to prove, IN this video essay, that something matters. 

The meaningful proof was found in the making of this video essay. 

My central thesis has grown and evolved, and after 5 years, I have come to realize it’s this: 

Something matters because I have up-ended my life and chosen to surround myself with people for whom their words match their actions and boundaries are respected and upheld.

I cannot stress enough that this was far from easy. It has been – and continues to be – a grueling crawl that I will have to do for a long long time as I heal, as I relapse and as I grow to face the ever incoming obstacles of life.

“One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” – No. Let’s rewrite that. 

One must imagine Sisyphus reliquishes the relief of having reached the roaring heights of the mountaintop. 

Or to pick quote from my favourite movie: 

“So... what? You're just going to ignore everything else? You could be anything, anywhere. Why not go somewhere where your daughter is more than just... this. Here, all we’ll get are a few specks of time where any of this actually makes sense.”

“Then I will cherish these few specks of time.”

This is good. Even if it's just for a tiny speck of time